When you feel like all that you do is never good enough.
I never got this angry all the time so easily.
I used to be so happy when I didn’t care for those that don’t deserve caring.
I’m a push over. Yes. But that does not mean I will continuously be betrayed.
I know to not repeat my mistakes. Forever bitter. :)
I love you guys for accepting me, and never neglecting me the past seven years.
fucking lost.
Frustration.
Money is a motive. But the things I do. Lost all my hobbies, passions, motivations.Why do I even do things anymore.
I hate the rudeness. The attitude, the undermining hatred or kindness portrayed as downgrading critiques.
Entering constant incomplete cycles. I just wanna lay and bed and do nothing forever. Weekends are so dreadful. Dancing no longer rhythmic. Conversations filled with silence.
wth has happened.
-Remember to turn on automode.
Judgement.
It takes two seconds for me to get irritated.
And once i’m irritated i’m almost irritated forever.
I have one mother. I only need one mother. -_____________-
The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.
Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that ‘the wrong word’ can lead you to tears. You feel other people’s pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.
Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are ‘holding back’, re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.
You are presently experiencing excessive stress as a result of self-restraint. You act and think differently from the common herd and you want to be liked and admired for yourself and to associate with people who feel and act as you do. Because of this need to be self-reliant and to break away from mediocrity, you are finding this situation most uncomfortable and you are experiencing considerable anxiety - perhaps even more than you feel the capacity to cope with. You need to find a ‘soul mate’, someone whose standards are as high as your own - but where? Keep on searching… The situation is uncomfortable and you would like to break away from it, but you refuse to compromise with your opinions. You are unable to resolve the situation because you are continually postponing the making of necessary decisions. You are stubborn but this is no deterrent to a happy life, so why drop your standards. Think positively, everything will work out. It has worked out successfully for you in the past and it will again in the future.
You seem to be always on the defensive and that is because you have failed to establish yourself in a manner consistent with your own high opinion of yourself. You are trying to prove yourself with inadequate resources and this has resulted in considerable stress. You are trying to escape from these excessive demands on your reserves by adopting a defensive attitude in which you refuse to be committed or to be involved in further unpleasantness.
Of all people in the world. It should’ve never been you.
I’m sorry I yelled at you so much.
I’m sorry I never believed you.
I’m sorry for being such a terrible sister.
Don’t ever forgive me please.
This is the last time i will be sad. The last time I’ll miss you.
You ugly fag boy. I’m forever mad at you.
Its funny how easy people can be influenced.
But i never expected you.
You were the only person I believed was better than me at everything.
I tried so hard to be better than you. Thats probably why we got along so well…:\
There was never a time i wasn’t mad, irritated or annoyed by you.
It made you laugh though :( as much as i hated it. you loved it.
Why couldn’t I have taken better care of you…
Its empty without you.
I always trusted, believed the things you said. I took your word for almost anything because you only said and did things for an actual good reason. except picking fights because ur knuckles itched. Ur decisions were always set. You were always right and there was no such thing as being wrong for you.
I’m mad at you for breaking ur promise. You never said sorry for it. You said night.
But then you promised Nghia. So I trusted you. Believed in you. I ignored the feelings. I shouldn’t have. But I did.
Everyone’s blaming themself. Mad.
I didn’t let myself breakdown for you. I’m too mad at you to. I’m trying to figure out how i feel. Everyone misses you bitch. After a year of constantly picking u up dropping u off, wandering around aimlessly. I’m still mad at you.
You laughed at how stupid you became.
I’m not laughing. How come you still did it when you knew she changed you. How come you did it when you knew you were being stupid.selfish. How come you did it knowing you left us all behind. Was she really worth more than all of us? Was what you felt with her really better than anything?
Are you happy now that you proved her wrong? and everyone else who doubted you?
You never called me back to tell me.
But i’m fine now. Just let me know if you are too……….
June 12, 1993-November 6, 2011.
btw. keep your head up fagg.
There’s nothing more sweet than sitting next to a 60 year old couple and watching the husband log his wife into the computer so she can read the news online ^_^
college.
Looking at people leaving for college. All the goodbye’s.
…….Thinking about what my life would’ve been like if I chose to leave as well…..
Being a disappointment.
He’s meeting my parents for the first time next week.
I’m panicking. Mentally stressing myself. having nightmares.
maybe i waited too long. there was never and will never be a good time. and i might as well get it over with right? I hated hiding relationships from parents.
But boy did I underestimate our relationship.
I have a mother that talks and talks and talks nonsense. she doesn’t think when she talks. she’s different from before. maybe she works too much now. but whatever it is. I can’t go to her anymore. The older i get the more i realize that she never let me live my life my way. She always babied me. Made sure everything I did was of her doing. And now that i don’t need her anymore. Now that what i do isn’t of her suggestion or choice, She’s breaking down. I can see it. I’ve seen it.
I’m scared. Never been so scared and stressed in my life.
Scared of being a disappointment. Even though i never cared if i disappointed people or not. She’s my mother. A typical asian mother i guess. Where i will always be a disappointment. Scared of the things she’ll say to me once he leaves the house. It’s hard. And we even said it wasn’t gonna be easy. But i think i’m having a mental break down. For the first time in my life. I can’t think straight. I don’t know what to do. And i haven’t been able to figure out what to do.
Its so hard to please her. Having a mother that says what makes me happy won’t make her happy unless it’s what she tells me to do, and i follow what she tells me. It’s been fine before. When i couldn’t dance or lion dance or quit orchestra do sports or type on the computer. I still did it n e ways. So why is it so hard now?
It’s not hard. Its just i care too much about him to hear her blame him for all my flaws and mistakes. Its just i’m too stubborn to keep my mouth shut. Its just he’s so important to me and such a disappointment to my mother.
I want him to see the family we used to be. Not what we’ve become.
I wish he was able to be excited to meet a chill family. Not be as scared as me.
And I wish i’d stop worrying that he’d walk out. When he’s with me 100%. :(
